I Don’t Like this Plan

I don’t like this plan of contacting OT…. considering the fact that it’s not going too well at the moment. For the past few days, OT and I have been playing an elaborate game of phone tag, which I HATE. Actually, let’s clarify a bit… I’ve been trying to contact OT for the past few days, to no avail. By the time I get out of class, I assume that OT’s out of office or something, because I can’t reach her.

This morning, I THINK OT tried calling me back, but I was in lecture. And uncharacteristically of me, I actually ‘rejected’ her call, because my phone kept vibrating on the desk. It was weird, though, because I kept OT would call & leave a voicemail, but she never called back. But later today, after I was free, and when I tried to call her back, she didn’t answer. It’s like…. the universe doesn’t want this contacting OT thing to work or something…

I’m contacting OT to the best of my current ability– as in, I know that I can probably leave a voicemail or email OT my availability, but I’m not “on board” with this idea of contacting OT to where I’m ready to do anything more than just call OT, because part of my brain keeps thinking: If OT doesn’t call you back, then screw her! See, she never cared about you in the first place. She isn’t worth your time. But my “wise mind”/school t ‘inner voice’ keeps telling me to work things out, that things will get better between me & OT.

And my mind that just wants to focus on writing my final papers is just like… “can both voices just quiet down, please?”

To make matters worse, I think because subconsciously (and even consciously!) the young parts of me really want to be attached to school t [again], I ended up playing up to her last weekend when I sent an email to her about being “overwhelmed” with everything. Yes, I AM overwhelmed, but the message I sent to school t was more of an “impulse”/attention-getting type of email, rather than a message out of necessity. It’s been a while since I’ve sent an impulse email to a therapist… I think the last time I sent an impulse email was when I was in therapy with Yoda.

So, in my reply I got from school t earlier this week, she basically told me resuming therapy with OT is what will be most helpful for me, and while the best way to feel better would be to work with OT, urgent care at my university was also an option (if in crisis).

I swear, school t “reads”/knows me too well. And I hate the boundary she set. Obviously, I know that therapeutically, it would probably be VERY confusing (and possibly harmful?) to my work with OT if school t let me rely on her instead. Even so, I’m so pissed off that I got the type of reply from school t that I did!!

Hopefully, OT will contact me sometime during the weekend… (maybe Sunday?) OT’s not in office on Saturdays, which I know for sure, but she does have available appointments on Sundays. Next week is the last week of the quarter, though… which sucks as far as resuming therapy (if it does happen) with OT is concerned…