The Cost of Avoidance

The units situation is almost–but not yet— resolved.

And I think everyone in my department is getting sick of nagging me, and I’m sick of getting their emails.

But SERIOUSLY?! I WISH it was something that could be resolved in a day, but it feels like each step of the process requires department approval, signatures, and all this other crap that I don’t want to deal with.

And today, the graduate adviser sends me a forwarded email (from the grad coordinator) saying that she got an email from someone in grad studies threatening that they’re going to take away my stipend for spring quarter if I don’t get things resolved by tomorrow (June 1st)

But it seems like everyone in other departments is just taking their sweet time…

Of course, having anxiety — with authority figures– doesn’t help make this process any easier.

Something else I’ve put off for more time than necessary– getting a dental cleaning. I swear, it’s been years– even though everyone suggests the “every 6 months” cleaning schedule.

Well, because of my avoidance, I now have larger, more expensive issues to deal with.

I have to get 3 fillings “re-filled”, 2 root canals (and 2 crowns on top of those teeth) since my old fillings are getting cracked, and a new night guard… on top of my regular dental cleaning. Holy schmoly!!

I knew I needed to get a cleaning and contemplated it last year, but kept putting it off…. and look at where it’s got us??!!

Someday I’ll learn to NOT avoid situations…. maybe… hopefully….

Trying to Get 12 Units

I mentioned this briefly in my last post, but this entire situation has my stomach tied itself in knots, simply because it’s so complicated and frustrating.

So– this quarter, due to some bureaucratic reasons, I found myself in a position where I didn’t have any classes to take. Well, I’m sure I could’ve filled my schedule with SOME courses, but as far as required courses were concerned, there was NOTHING my department was offering that would fulfill my course requirements. (Which is basically 2 more classes in my “track” or “specialization”).

If you’re curious to know what happened, basically, the day before classes started this quarter, 1 of my classes that I was planning to take got cancelled, since the professor had to have appendix surgery the week before Spring quarter began. The second class, I discovered on the first day of classes….was only open to this certain professor’s students. (If you know Harry Potter, it’s like the “Slug Club”)

So– basically, I ended up going to bed the night before the first day of classes in MAJOR panic mode. It was basically like getting a panic attack… before the quarter started. Not only did I not have classes I could take, but I knew that if I didn’t decide on a major professor this quarter, that I was going to have some department advisers starting to ask me questions about WHY I hadn’t decided on a major professor.

So— I started the quarter with 4 teaching units. I figured… sometime during the quarter I’d *hopefully* get units figured out. Part of me also wanted to take this quarter off completely, because I felt overwhelmed just thinking about having to register for classes. Sitting in class made me feel panicky, and I thought… if things don’t get better my mid-quarter, I’m just going to take the quarter off completely. But various departmentmates kept convincing me to “just take it easy” this quarter. So, I decided I would just “avoid” conversations with my professors about courses and picking a major professor, lest I have a MAJOR mental breakdown.

Fast forward a few weeks, and I had a sit down talk with one of the graduate advisers… in order to keep my funding (AKA TA position) I need to be registered for an average of 12 units per quarter, which is full-time status. He told me during that meeting (which was 5th or 6th week) that I needed to get units ASAP.

So I started shooting emails back and forth with the professor that I had been thinking about asking to be my major professor (the professor who will supervise my research). She agreed to be my major professor AND to let me do research units with her. (Yay)

But it’s been a LOOOONNNGGG process TRYING to get the units.

Since this professor is not actually IN my department, I’m having to get research units from outside the department. I didn’t get the correct version of the form until last Friday (end of 7th week). And I FINALLY was able to Skype with my major professor this morning and get the form sent out (this week is the 8th week of the quarter, meaning we only have 2 weeks left in the quarter to get me some units…)

UNFORTUNATELY—

Since the policies are different in the two departments, I can only get a maximum of 6 units for research. Still leaving me 2 units short of full-time. My home department doesn’t have this 6 unit maximum requirement…

And believe me, I’m trying everything I can. I’ve gone to our school’s disability center (to see if I can get medical documentation to get a lower unit amount), and I’ve been advised to talk to someone in our graduate student dean’s office to see if I can get an exception to the “unit limit” (via medical documentation). But honestly, maybe at this point, I’m just hoping for 2 “pity” units from one of the advisers in my department…

To make matters more pressing, I got an email earlier today from one of the grad advisers in our department (who had CC’d the other grad adviser, my major professor, and another professor in the department) who said our department coordinator  heard from our school’s graduate studies that they are threatening to revoke my TA position for the quarter (over not having enough units).

What’s the most frustrating thing is that the department coordinator is only seeing what’s happening on paper and doesn’t know that I’ve been doing EVERYTHING I CAN, and that the process is just so frustratingly SLOW.

But department coordinator (and other grad advisers) only see that nothing (on paper) has been done to get the units… grad adviser also mentioned in the email this: “department coordinator also says that she’s emailed you about this before, but you haven’t responded to her emails“. Which is absolute BS. DC sent me ONE email about the situation, and I responded within the hour telling her that I was trying to get the situation sorted out. Pisses me off…

And it doesn’t help that I’m so stressed out over this entire situation, which is causing my intestines to just tie itself around in knots. Aa;dlkfjaad;flkalgj!!!!!!!

It Won’t Go Away– But I’ll Learn to Cope

HELLO WORLD!

It’s been a while since I’ve posted.

I know… *hangs head in shame*

This quarter has passed by SO quickly. It’s been one of the most challenging/difficult few months I’ve had in a LOOONNNGGG time.

I’m not taking classes this quarter. But surprisingly, each day is still ridiculously busy…

Therapy… is going well. As well as it can, I suppose. Interestingly, a couple weeks after I started seeing my current therapist, I was on Google/Yelp trying to find a chiropractor in the area (because I get tension headaches & stuff) and I remember I was sitting in the waiting room of the building where my therapist is while staring at the names of the practitioners on the wall, and lo & behold, it turns out the chiropractor that does the type of treatment I need was in the same building as my therapist! Kill two birds with one stone, I suppose.

School’s been the most stressful, though. In our department, during the spring of our 2nd year, we have to write a “Preliminary paper”, which is like an M.A. thesis of sorts. Spring of our 3rd year is qualifying exams…and it just goes on from there. So by all technicalities, I’m supposed to finish my prelim paper this quarter.

I’d been stressing out about all of this prelim paper stuff since… probably the end of winter quarter. Which is coincidentally when the grad advisers in my department started asking me about my progress on my paper, and whether I had settled on a major professor yet. Obviously, because of my tendency to avoid these anxiety-provoking situations when dealing with authority figures, I ignored and ignored the emails, etc.

Until 2 weeks ago…

One of the grad advisers in our department is the professor I’m a TA for this quarter. (I was also his TA last quarter). He had emailed me over the weekend and asked if “we could meet and discuss my progress”. Obviously, I was freaking out, but I responded and agreed to meet after we got out of lecture.

At that point, I was obviously behind schedule, but more importantly, I found myself swimming in “dangerous waters”, because I couldn’t find 12 units to register for (which is full time, and necessary to get funding/continue teaching for this quarter), and since I didn’t have a major professor OR enough classes (or classes at all to take) I was EXTREMELY short on units. My professor told me that I’d have to get the unit situation figured out ASAP, AND the other grad adviser who had been asking me about my progress, I’d have to email and explain why I’d been avoiding the communication with her. (On top of that, I found myself in a situation having to decide that day and ask the professor I’d been THINKING of asking to be my major professor whether she’s be comfortable advising me/being chair of my committee) (AKA: This entire process was PANIC INDUCING)

 

Thank goodness for amazing departmentmates who deal with anxiety as well, because after that meeting, I literally sat in my friend’s office and she helped me write the two necessary emails I needed to write. Yesterday, we did the same when I was freaking out about how to word a response to my (now) major professor.

The good thing is, I’m getting my units situation figured out, and I’ve settled on a major professor (not officially, on paper, since we still have to sign the paperwork), but one of the professors in our graduate group agreed to be my major professor. So I AM making progress.

I remember when I was talking to the grad adviser a few weeks ago, I mentioned that it’s not the writing/research that worries me. For me, it’s always been the process that leads up to all the writing and the research. Talking to professors, emailing professors is an anxiety and panic-producing process for me. After sending out the two emails, and talking with the grad adviser, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. I was SO ready to ask for anti-anxiety medication, SSRIs,…. anything that would make this period of my life easier to deal with.

I feel that I used to have such an idealistic view about anxiety disorders and therapy being the place where everything would get “fixed” once and for all. Maybe if I had gotten treatment in early elementary school, YES. But at this point of my life? Probably not.

Most likely, this anxiety of approaching/talking to, emailing professors, authority figures, etc. is NOT going to go away. I’ll learn to COPE better with everything that comes up, and it will get easier, but it will probably never go away.

I guess it helps me have more compassion toward myself, instead of beating myself up when I go into major freak out mode after a conversation with someone in authority…