Reflections and Next Steps

I’ve been reflecting over Friday’s unexpected email/event over this weekend. It’s hard to know how to proceed or what to do. Being terminated unexpectedly/being “fired” by my therapist has been something shocking to think of or consider. Part of me wants to somehow explain what’d been going through my mind, which led to the 2 missed sessions. Give things another shot. Get a second chance. But there’s a part of me that’s lost hope, in a way. I have no faith that things are going to change. And I have no faith in the fact I will be able to work through this. But this little part of me wants it to work– as pessimistic as I feel about this entire situation.

When therapy & this perception of a relationship with a therapist comes to this point (of basically getting to a point where a client has lost hope), is there no turning back? Is there no hope for repair in this particular relationship?

Even if I don’t continue sessions with current therapist, I still feel an injustice at not having a chance to explain myself. Is it only right and fair that I get a “last session” of sorts as a client? Being sent this email [stating that I’ve been terminated] is almost like breaking up with a significant other via text/Facebook or email. It feels so… shallow. Insincere. But I don’t know what to say to my therapist to ask for a last session. I’ve ignored the last 2 emails she sent me.

And… who knows about next steps. Do I take an extended “break” from therapy? Do I try to hope that current therapist & I can work things out? Do I hope and pray that there is someone out there who will help me as much as Yoda did (but will not be time-limited)? Someone rewind me to last summer, please.

Broken Trust–Am I Overreacting?

Whoah… before I start on my post, may I mention that either I’m going nuts from paper writing and the start of finals week or… my home screen (the side where you enter the tags/categories, etc) switched so it’s now on the LEFT side of the page.

Anyways…

I have an appointment with a new therapist on Friday. I finally called last week after (much) pushing, prodding, encouraging, etc. from everyone around me. I didn’t die, either. (hence suffering with paper-writing and finals week at the moment)

My therapist at school and I had discussed over the phone last week how we would go about things, and she suggested starting with the new therapist before scheduling our termination session. And knowing the fact that it takes me longer to transition, get to know new people, etc. I (reluctantly) agreed with her.

And so, what she told me was that she would call on Friday to check in with me to see whether I had called the new therapist, and after I got an appointment, we would schedule our last session.

Well, she never called.

And tomorrow’s Tuesday. I feel like my fragile, budding trust was just broken and betrayed.

In fact, I’ve been feeling really angry at the fact that she didn’t keep her promise and check in with me. But I feel like it seems like such a petty thing to get really angry about, but I honestly feel like she LIED to me, or tricked me just so that I would make an appointment with the other therapist.

This incident reminds me of this one summer when I was about 7 or 8, and I went to a summer sports camp. During the last day of camp, we were allowed to use the diving boards. I remember climbing up to the top of the high dive, looking down, and realizing what a mistake I had made. I attempted to go back down…but the life guard there wouldn’t let me. But by the time I was up there, I was freaking out, so she climbed up there with me. And we walked over to the edge together, and she told me that we would jump together on 3. I remember really clearly. She began counting: “One, two,… ” and she pushed me down alone on three.

First of all, don’t lie to me and say you’re going to “jump with me” if you’re not intending to do that. Don’t trick me when I’m freaking out like that.

So now, I’m having all these second thoughts, doubts, etc. about what to do. But on the other hand, I feel bad–almost–for being so angry at my therapist, because… well… I like her. There’s part of me that feels like the “positive” feelings toward her counterbalance the negative feelings I have toward this situation.

But at the same time, I still feel betrayed and lied to by her… and I *do* want her to call me back to check in on me. Because that call was NOT easy to make. But there’s this voice inside my head saying that she forgot about me and doesn’t care…and each day that passes, I keep thinking… maybe she did forget about me. Maybe I’m really not high up on her priority list…

I don’t know. I almost think it’s not even worth it to think about scheduling the last appointment (given all this stuff that’s going on this week) but a ton of my friendships have all ended this way. A super small (seemingly petty thing) that breaks my trust, and I cut off the relationship.

Lovely readers: Suggestions, please?

Maleficent (2014) ****

I watched Maleficent a few weeks ago in the theater. Funny thing was, since I haven’t been on top of my recently released movies (or movies in general) for the past few months, I had no clue that this movie was even coming out.

It wasn’t until one of my friends came up to me and eagerly told me that she wanted to watch “Mal-i-fi-shent” [how she pronounced it] that I Youtubed the trailer and happily agreed.

Once in the theater, I saw the Disney logo and I smiled. A live action Disney movie. I’m definitely a Disney movie-watching fan. (*hint, Frozen*) I think it’s because all Disney movies touch that innocent childhood self within each of our souls (or at least mine!).

Maleficent was no different.

I don’t really want to give a synopsis of the movie, so if you’re dying to figure out what happened, you can Wikipedia the plot line and then come back…. 🙂

What resonated most with me was how much Maleficent loved and cared for Aurora as she was growing up. She believed that she hated children, and yet she loved Aurora. Aurora’s fascination toward the fairy world I’m sure reminded Maleficent of her happier, more innocent days. Maleficent being betrayed by Stefan is something that I connected deeply with as well. You come to trust someone with all your heart and soul, and yet, this person who you feel safe with decides to hurt you.

Haven’t we all felt that? Regardless of how big or small the wound–that pain is there within each of us. Being tricked by people who we trusted as “friends”. Being hurt by an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. Being hurt by our parents.

It’s no wonder that Maleficent decided to put a thorny wall around her and curse even the most innocent of souls. The very object that represented her freedom and power was taken away by someone she thought she could trust.

After watching this movie, it made me think even more about the nature of trust, especially if that trust is broken by someone you once loved and cared about deeply. How do you learn to trust others again? How do we tear down those walls around us?

Of course, every Disney movie has a happy ending, as Maleficent regains her wings with the help of Aurora, and Aurora’s dreams of joining the fairy land also comes true.

And everyone lived happily ever after. 🙂