I made an impulsive anxiety-driven decision today, and basically had to dig myself out of a hole. Does anyone else who has anxiety do some stupid things sometimes because of anxiety? Or simply to rid yourself of the anxiety?
Background to the Situation
CT has been “CT my therapist” to me since I’ve started in therapy with her since… 2016. Sometime around December 2016/January 2017, after having been in therapy with CT for a good 6 months or so, I was on Facebook one night trying to find out more information about a church that I was interested in attending. I didn’t know anyone at that particular church, or any of the people there. Most of the information was… expected. But as I went to one profile, in particular, I discovered something that I kept hidden from CT for a long, long time. Wh-wh-what?! You mean, CT is… a pastor’s wife??!!! I didn’t really know what to expect. For a long time, I decided — as a fact — that I would NOT attend this church. Simply because CT was there.
Last summer, I formally decided to switch to this particular church. After having met a good friend who attended this church, I convinced myself that it would not be too horrible. After all, this church has three different congregations dedicated to different language groups, and as long as I stayed with the English-speaking folk, everything would be a-OK. It was also closer in location to me, and also more importantly, a church where I felt bonded with many of the young adults.
After telling CT about my decision, we had certain mutual agreements. We would treat each other like ‘normal’ members of the church, smile, and go on our separate ways — if we saw each other. Most Sundays, although I see her, and I know she’s there, I just ignore her. It’s been fine — up until recently.
A Busy Few Weeks
The most recent session I had with CT was somewhere around the first week of June. I’d been so busy with the end of the quarter, some side jobs to hold me through until a real job, a temp summer teaching job, and last but not least, moving. The last messages we exchanged were me asking for a week off — thinking it would be my only week of actual vacation before all the hecticness started. She then said we could skip 3? weeks (until around July 4th) and reschedule once my schedule had cleared. It never did.
Last week was so busy that I wouldn’t leave my teaching site until 4 or 5 pm each day. CT works Monday through Thursday, so Friday appointments are out of the question. And I knew that if this upcoming week was just as busy, we’d be pushing to almost two months without an appointment.
At that point, I wouldn’t even know where I’d be. Maybe moving to a different part of the state? Moving back to my parents’ house? My worse nightmare would be having to move and only have one last session with CT. It would be retraumatizing myself with all these last-minute therapy situations all over again.
A Brilliant Idea?
With this scheduling nightmare right in front of me, I had a brilliant idea — or so I thought it was at the time. CT had mentioned briefly to me previously that she offered counseling services at church, and that people could simply sign up on an anonymous basis. And it was time-limited. So I thought… PERFECT! I’ll just sign up anonymously, and be able to check in with her, since obviously my weekday schedule is NOT working in my favor.
On Friday, I had a friend tick a checkbox, and I was done! An hour later, the second-guessing and worries all started creeping in at once. Wait, is this even legal?! CT will be PISSED once she finds out that I was the one who signed up. OMG, I’m DEAD as we know it.
I spent all morning in a ball of anxiety, instantly regretting my decision. OMG, OMG, OMG, I should just not show up. I think that would be best. Anxiety sucks, man. As the agreed upon time showed up, I contemplated having my friend (who signed me up) walk in and cancel for me. But at the same time, I knew I needed to check in with CT. Needed to have an appointment with her, regardless of how short it would be.
A Sigh of Relief
I spent a good 15-20 minutes after the appointment time was supposed to have started in full-blown panic mode. CT’s going to be angry. She’s going to be disappointed. OMG, I’m going to die. (etc). Please someone, talk for me? Go and tell CT something for me? Please? Pretty please?
After gathering up the courage to talk to her, I was so relieved. I just have to say that my therapist is pretty amazing. She let me meet with her at the end, and I was able to get some things off my mind.
Though I’m not sure what to expect during our next appointment (in 2 weeks, which is much more manageable!). For some weird, random reason, whenever I have therapy breaks, it always comes hand in hand with super intense (loving) feelings for her. That… I couldn’t blurt out or get out of my mouth. One day, it’ll happen. Maybe?