Off-Kilter

I’ve been feeling off-balance this week.

I’m getting ready to leave for winter break in less than a week, and I’m also taking winter quarter off, which means the next time I’ll be living in the area again would be sometime at the end of March or beginning of April. I’ve never taken such a long time off from school before (or ever!) so this should be interesting.

This quarter has been overwhelming–physically, mentally, and emotionally. And I think I’m ready for an extended break. Hopefully after I come back from my break, I’ll feel more refreshed and ready to start on the next phase of grad school. Unless I fail my MA thesis paper–again. But we’re staying positive, right?

Although I’m excited to take a break, I feel quite wary about leaving the area for so long (= not having regular sessions for 3 months or so). Over the past week or two, I’ve found myself looking through old emails with Yoda, OT, and SchoolT. So many feelings/emotions that had previously no longer bothered me suddenly started bubbling up again. A couple nights ago, I was up much of the night thinking about School T, current T, and Yoda. Wishing for a hug, wondering whether I should get current T a Christmas card before I leave, what to include in said Christmas card, wishing for phone sessions in between…and so on. The combination of all these old feelings and thoughts popping up has left me feeling extremely off-balance recently.

It seemed like such foreign behavior to me, since it had been so long since I’d struggled with feelings like this. I’ve reached a point with current T to where I feel stable, and know that there won’t be too many changes to scheduling, her availability, (etc). It’s only recently begun to feel more “safe” and “stable” in this current relationship without freaking out when we have long-ish (more than 2 weeks) breaks.

But this extended break feels much longer and different, overall. I’m pretty sure CT will suggest finding a therapist while I’m away from the area. At the same time, I’m not sure how effective that would be–simply because it only feeds into the instability of the therapy relationship that I’ve worked so hard to work through.

This latest change reminds me of part of an email that OT had sent me long ago…

When on the brink of a change, its normal to feel a bit tottery.

You could say that again! The last session I had with CT (about 2 weeks ago), I told her that I didn’t want to have another session again this calendar year. But with all the changes ahead — I’ve decided that it might be wise to squeeze one last session in. But what do you do in those 50 minutes?! What does one discuss with so much time in between?