Stuff I Wish I Could Say Verbally.

Yesterday was my last session with my therapist. [*insert sobs*]

I’ve taken to it much better than I imagined. Then again, the “imagination” part of my brain is a bit faulty…

And the obvious, unavoidable question came up. One that makes me clam up (more or less) each time:

“What do you think of the work we have done? Our relationship from the beginning until now?”

I paraphrased a bit, because I don’t remember the EXACT words, but it gets the sentiment across. It feels like a DTR session with a boyfriend or something. “Where are we in our dating status, hun?” and …it’s just awkward all around.

I can describe how I felt toward her in the beginning with fewer issues. I was scared of her. I didn’t know whether she was going to attack every word I said or judge me or what not… and after I realized that she wasn’t going to judge me or give up on me and after the fear went away, I didn’t have any hatred toward her, although I couldn’t say I “liked” her or “trusted” her, either.

This next part is what is difficult to describe and discuss. I can mention this to 99% of the population without any issues. I’m pretty sure she’s the only one that I can’t talk about this situation with face-to-face. I can tell the rest of the population about how I feel about her, but I can’t tell her directly. I can email her about it, but once I have to talk about it–AND, IN PERSON, things get tough. But, you don’t know HOW much I want to get everything out there and tell her 100% of everything that I feel about this situation. 100% of my thoughts and feelings about THIS VERY SITUATION out there. But at most, I can only verbally say 30%. 40% on a good day.

In fact, maybe that’s why I’m blogging about it right now, because… like getting dirt out of a wound, it hurts to have the dirt in there, but it hurts more if I don’t get it out. I don’t want to describe this as a “regret” that I have since therapy has “officially” ended now, but I wish there had been a way for me to force myself to get all this out there in person.

EVEN THOUGH my therapist & I *have* talked about this (and I’ve emailed her about this quite a few times) before AND I know that she’s not going to judge me and I’m obviously not the first person to have gone through this, it’s still very embarrassing for me to have to say aloud.

And if you haven’t guessed at what i’m talking about, it’s this attachment/transference thing. Yes, that was definitely the next stage. I read a very fitting definition one time about the meaning of the word “transference” one time, and it simply means to “move from one place to another.” So with “transference”, you’re moving your feelings(?) from one person to another person. It’s all over the internet about how “normal” feelings for your therapist are, and that “the best way to get over it is to go through it.”

YES, I UNDERSTAND THAT. THANK YOU, INDIVIDUALS ON THE INTERNET.

And while I appreciate some of the comments of “bringing up” this topic with your therapist on the forums I’ve read in the past, bluntly bringing up in the very beginning of session “Oh, hey, XYZ therapist, I’m having these intense feelings for you, but I don’t want to have these feelings. What can we do about them?” feels super awkward, regardless of how well you sugar coat it. Others online had suggested “writing a note”, which also seems like a good plan, but after XYZ therapist reads the note, there’s that embarrassing silence, and the obligation to actually talk about it. I’d rather pee my pants in session. [not really.]

But the fact is, I wanted to talk about it all with her. I STILL WANT to talk about it with her. Not with a new therapist, not with a friend, not with my parents. But I know getting me to verbalize my thoughts is like getting a constipated person to poop. I want to verbalize 100% of those thoughts, but that struggle between what I greatly desire and what I know I struggle like heck to do creates this intense pain.

This is one conversation I wish I could’ve had over the phone/via email instead…

---

What exactly did I want to bring up yesterday? Well… everything I just mentioned above. ALONG WITH:

• I definitely went through a period of intense attachment/transference. Although it’s definitely not as intense now, my biggest fear in actually mentioning this situation face-to-face is the fact that if I do say it aloud, it will re-kindle those feelings. The scariest thing is, I’m not sure if they’re completely gone yet. The most painful part is knowing that I’m not sure whether these feelings will ever go away–and having to leave with that knowledge eats at me.
• I can’t describe how thankful I am about how “safe” I felt in sessions, “held”, “understood”, “heard”, and accepted for who I am. And maybe that’s where all this embarrassment comes from. I can’t emphasize how important of a figure she’s been in my life.
• I guess in thinking about this “relationship”, this is one relationship I intensely desire would continue on forever. Then again, who wouldn’t want this type of relationship in their lives? Knowing that there’s a person who’s there, attuned to you, who doesn’t judge you, and in the midst of your difficulties continues to encourage you… I guess it’s also a good reminder for me about the practice that I still have to do. I also know that part of why therapy works is because of the unique nature of this type of relationship.

I know that I’m not the only person who’s had this struggle, and I sure as heck won’t be the last person. Even so, it’s a bitter truth to swallow…

Thinking about the whole picture last night, I know I’ve also come a long way, and I’ll definitely take that with me going forward. This has definitely been a unique journey, and filled with some interesting adventures along the way…

Even so, there are times I wish I could’ve had just a bit more courage, just a bit more bravery, and done just a bit more…

Musical Obsessions

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/musical-marker/

We all have songs that remind us of specific periods and events in our lives. Twenty years from now, which song will remind you of the summer of 2014?

Wow, for a person who is obsessed with listening to music, this one is haaaarrrdddd!!! And 20 years later for me to remember? I guess I’ve got a couple songs for this one..

And I’ll make it fair, since most of my dear readers can’t understand Chinese, so the first two are freebies for me! 🙂

1. 暖暖 (Nuan Nuan) or “Warm”, in English.

I remember I was sitting in a restaurant one day, heard this song, and Shazaamed it. It has such a cute little melody! I like the lyrics, too. Part of the song has a section that says: “I say you’re good, just the way you are, but you don’t know that, because your self-confidence isn’t too high.” and I feel like it’s just a fitting song for me to listen to, because it’s like the singer is speaking directly to me.

2. 將天敞開 Open Heaven (Also a Chinese song)

The second song is a worship song that I heard in church in early June. It’s an amazing song that I listen to over and over again now. Something I’ll remember forever. And for some reason, each time I listen to this song, I listen to the “kids” rendition of it. Stream of Praise is amazing. (It’s like the Chinese version of Hillsong United)

3. All This Time by Britt Nicole

My one and only English song. But hey, I’ve been living in Taiwan for the past two years, what can you say? This has been my “cleaning room” soundtrack for the past few weeks, so naturally–summer 2014 soundtrack list!

A Letter to the Past

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/adult-visions/

As a kid, you must have imagined what it was like to be an adult. Now that you’re a grownup (or becoming one), how far off was your idea of adult life?

Hi Amanda,

This is your future self writing to you. I know you must be extremely excited to want to reach your “adult life” or at least your “post-college life”, but slow down and calm down my dear, because being an “adult” isn’t really as you dreamed it’s going to be.

First of all, I’m sorry, but you’re not going to be a doctor. Or a pediatrician. Or an obstetrician. Or anything in the medical field. It was just too difficult. Either that, or as you got older, you realized that you never really liked science and math enough to pursue a career in medicine. Never mind going to Harvard Medical School. Your grades in high school weren’t high enough and you didn’t end up at UCLA right after your senior year. But don’t lose hope! Instead, you went to community college for two years, and ended up transferring to UCLA! (See, your dream of attending UCLA still came true!) And you know what’s awesome about that happening? Your dream about getting a PhD is still going to come true! Yes–you will start graduate school one day (soon). So don’t lose hope for your education.

As far as the “romance” side of things goes, I also have to apologize to you. No, you’re not going to get married at 24 or 25. But it’s okay, because in this day and age, many women either postpone marriage until their late 20s/early 30s or don’t get married at all! So, dream away my little one and enjoy being single, okay?

As you grow older, you’ll also understand that some feelings that you experience in life aren’t your fault. You know how you always say that you get nervous when talking to teachers/approaching them? Well, the good thing is, as you get older, you’ll understand more about how your brain works and what these nervous feelings are all about. It’s this funny word called anxiety. The good thing about getting older is that you realize that being scared to talk to your teachers and being scared to raise your hand in class is not your fault. And don’t let anyone else tell you anything different. Promise me? You’ll also be able to tell other people about how you feel, and the best part is, you’ll be able to get help from other people (aside from Mom), because as much as you love Mom, sometimes, being able to talk to another person about these thoughts and feelings that you’re having and not having to worry about Mom or Dad being angry at you for having these thoughts is really nice.

I know you also have all these dreams about moving out when you’re 18 years old, having your own job after graduating from college, and owning your own car. But sometimes, it’s also nice being able to NOT live the “perfect” American lifestyle. Living in our home seems like a nice idea now, but you’ll realize that living in a small town isn’t really suitable for your personality. You like to explore, did you know that? You’re not going to want to stay in our little city forever. You don’t know this now, but you’ll do lots of traveling when you’re older, and maybe in the future, you won’t even want to have your own car.

Oh, and as much as you wish that Mom and Dad would see and treat you like an “adult” after you turn 18-years-old, in their eyes, you’re still their child. I know, sucks, doesn’t it? But according to them, you’re their responsibility forever. I guess, you can learn to appreciate that now and save yourself years of misery in the future. Mom and Dad love you in their special way, don’t forget that, okay?

Growing older isn’t as scary as it seems! You’re not going to get kicked out of the house, and Mom and Dad aren’t going to make you pay rent (*whew*). And no–there aren’t any flying cars around. (at least not yet). About your dream to play flute in a symphony orchestra? Keep reaching for that goal. You’ll never know what might happen later on!

Last but not least, keep being yourself. Please don’t change yourself in order to fit in with the people around you. You’re fine just the way you are.

Catch you later!

~~Amanda

Seasoned Introvert

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/middle-seat/

It turns out that your neighbor on the plane/bus/train (or the person sitting at the next table at the coffee shop) is a very, very chatty tourist. Do you try to switch seats, go for a non-committal brief small talk, or make this person your new best friend?

Today, I’ll take it all the way and imagine that the person sitting next to me on an international 11 hour flight is trying to chat with me…

As an introvert, I hate small talk. (And yes–I realize that there’s a scale along the introvert-extrovert line) But if this person sitting next to me kept wanting to talk to me, I’d pull the classic “I’m not interested in paying attention to you.” move and try to sleep/read/watch a movie, etc.

Sometimes, if this person seems interesting enough, I’ll engage in conversation for a bit: “Where are you from? What do you do for a living? What brought you here?” but after those questions, I’ll just chop off the communication line.

My parents used to tell me I was rude and inconsiderate for not engaging in small talk. I now realize that this is not the case. I am not rude and I am not inconsiderate. I’m sorry, but people drain me, and I only have a certain amount of allotted energy for interaction with people.

So, if you’re ever on a transcontinental flight with me (or even a domestic one?) please don’t be offended if I don’t talk to you for 99% of the flight. I like using those long hours for my own pleasure, whether it be staring off into space or engaging in my own thoughts and fantasies.

Lord of the Rings (The Fellowship of the Ring) *****

Wow, wow, wow!! I can’t believe I’ve waited 24 long years of my life to read this book.

It was surprising, because I don’t think the first part of the book really drew me in, so it’s taken me a long time to finish this book (and pick it up to read). I remember trying to start with The Hobbit (or maybe it was Fellowship) when I was in high school, but I could read long enough to get past the first few pages.

In recent years, however, I’ve been drawn to the fantasy novel genre. Count me having read *many* of the books with similar themes: Harry Potter, Twilight (still don’t like this series), The Inheritance Cycle (I’ve only read Eragon and Eldest thus far), Chronicles of Narnia, …all fall within the same type of story/plot line.

But if you were to ask me, I’d say Lord of the Rings (even though I haven’t even read The Two Towers and Return of the King) beats all. It’s not even the addition of elves, dwarves, and the like..

It’s the fact that each scene in the book is described with such intricate detail. Entire languages developed, a world so delicately created–No wonder this book is on a number of “Must Read” lists!

This series, I can tell, will definitely be a must-read again and again for me.

Onto: The Two Towers!

Fictional Fantasies

I woke up this morning and decided to go on an adventure–but I wanted to bring a friend with me, because I was afraid.

This friend was not incredibly intelligent, although he had been the subject of a science experiment to increase his intelligence. He was a kind soul, nonetheless. He introduced himself to me as Charlie Gordon, and I was immediately touched by his warm soul. He told me he did not have much time to explore, as he had work the next day at Donner’s bakery, so we hurried off. As we walked toward the train station, Charlie smiled at me and thanked me for being a good friend, “like Miss Kinnian”. I smiled at him. “Thank you, too.”

Stepping off the train, we were entranced in this new world–Charlie and I. “Welcome to Narnia, dear son and daughter of Aslan.” a peculiar animal said to us. We spent the afternoon walking among the woods, talking to friendly animals and basking in the rays of the sun. Just when I decided I wanted to stay in Narnia forever, Aslan walked beside me. I could feel the warmth of his breath and nuzzled my face into his soft mane.
“My dear, you must now proceed to a task I am calling you to.” He gave me one ring, but not to Charlie.
“But Aslan, is Charlie not coming with me?”
“No, my daughter. Charlie will stay in Narnia with me and he will rule as a king of the Dawn of the new era.”
“You are more brave than you know, my daughter.”

And with a warm breath as wonderful as the sun and as sweet-smelling as honey, I was instructed to put on the ring and go toward my next destination.

“Follow the signs, and you will know.”

I slipped on the ring as Aslan’s voice echoed in my mind…

I was suddenly transported to a strange world I did not immediately recognize. There was grass and warm sun all over. A peculiarly shaped house caught my attention. In my mind, I kept thinking: It couldn’t be.

“We must be leaving now.” I heard a voice say. “I don’t know whether I’ll come back to see the Shire again, but I surely hope I will one day.”
Two young hobbits came out of the door, and I immediately recognized Frodo, who seemed to be expecting me.

“Gandalf told me to expect you.”

“Yes, I was sent here to help you…”

“Let us go off and have an adventure now!”

And I set off on a new adventure.

---

If you didn’t get the references from my story, I picked;
1. Flowers for Algernon
2. Chronicles of Narnia
3. Lord of the Rings

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/fictional-intruder/

A Better Question Would Be

As I’m sitting here thinking about what to write, I feel that a better question (at least in my case) would be–What do I NOT procrastinate on?

1. Eating.

2. Checking my email/Facebook.

Is that all? There’s gotta be more…

I read a blog post earlier this week on this exact topic–of procrastination. In my case, I think it’s a learned habit. In school, especially, I learned to procrastinate, because I didn’t think there was enough challenge in my schoolwork. If I could finish Math homework in 5 minutes, why not challenge myself to 2 minutes and give myself 2 minutes to finish it? (As in–during class, as everybody was grading the homework together?) If a project was to take a month, I wouldn’t start until a week prior, or–if I was feeling brave enough, a few days prior to the due date. Why? It got that adrenaline going for me. I felt I could produce better and perform better with that added pressure.

Obviously, it gave my parents a near heart-attack as I was stressing out. But this, I felt was GOOD stress.

Packing. Oh, packing (and with it–laundry? and most chores around the house?). Packing is another area in which I procrastinate. I’m leaving Taiwan in 2 weeks, and this is the first time that I’ve tried to “not procrastinate”, especially on such a large task. There’s still so much STUFF that I have to do before I leave. Not only do I have to sell/throw away everything that’s in my room, but I have to close my bank account, cancel my cell phone number, have “parting dinners” with family members, and so on and so forth. And yet, I’m sitting here, writing a blog post! 🙂 And later, I’ll be playing my flute. After that I’ll probably eat dinner…

Tomorrow? I feel like reading a good book and siting in a coffee shop.

I guess the problem comes when I have too many ideas that bombard me at once and I never know which one to prioritize first.

(Yes, I’ve heard about the “A, B, C” importance lists, or making lists in general, which I *try* to do)

So, generally what I find myself doing is what I *feel* like doing first. Which, is a good plan, right? But that means some things just keep getting pushed further and further down the road. Until I have an hour left to finish it before the deadline.

On the other hand, I DO like the adrenaline rush and huge excitement that comes from procrastinating and doing something under time pressure… knowing myself, this cross-country move is going to be like all packing ventures. I’ll be frantically stuffing my suitcase with clothes and other miscellaneous items an hour before I’m supposed to head to the airport. And, I’ll be thinking in my head why I waited so long to finish this packing business.

Ahh… I’ll learn one day? Right?

Or not….

Well, time to go play flute now!

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/now-later/

An Inspirational Feast

I remember getting a similar prompt in my high school English class about this exact topic. If I could plan a dinner party for a group of people, who would I invite, and why? At that time, I chose Jesus, James Dobson, and (I think?) Steven Curtis Chapman. Why? I don’t quite remember my reason now. It just seemed like an intimate dinner setting. Faith-filled and, I guess now that I think about it, testosterone-filled as well!

Who would I have on my dinner list now? These people I’ve picked have all impacted me in a huge way–so here’s the list!

1. Steven Curtis Chapman

Steven Curtis Chapman has been my favorite artist for a while now, so he’s invited two TWO of my dinners! If you guys don’t know who he is, SCC is a Grammy-winning Contemporary Christian singer-songwriter. His most famous songs are probably “Cinderella”, “The Great Adventure”, and “Fingerprints of God”. Steven Curtis Chapman is the most amazing tigger-type personality! And I’m sure he’d let us all rock out to some of his favorite songs during dinner as well!

2. Candace Cameron-Bure

Candace Cameron-Bure, known best in her role as DJ Tanner in Full House is an amazing, inspirational person as well. I’m constantly inspired by how she’s so boldly proclaimed her faith and how she’s living her life for Christ, in spite of media attention. I loved reading her book “Reshaping it All”, too!

3. Jeremy Lin

JEREMY LIN! What more do I need to say?? I’d be LINNING at my dinner table! This guy’s also amazing on the court and off. And maybe after dinner, we can all play basketball together? Hah!

4. Talia Castellano

Talia Castellano (AKA Youtube Beauty Guru) with her larger-than-life personality and her Dory attitude toward life inspired me greatly. In spite of the fact that she had 2 types of cancers running through her body, she still lived life happily and never let cancer get in the way of her living her life. It’d be awesome to get some makeup tips from her, too! 🙂

5. Shawn Johnson

Shawn Johnson is a definite on my list as well. Not only is she an amazing athlete and has excelled in gymnastics, she’s also a great person overall who has a positive attitude in life.

6. YOU!

My seat #6 would be reserved for you, faithful reader! Why you? Because… my vision of a “fun” evening is talking about life and having deep, inspirational conversations around the dinner table. Perhaps you’d like to incite some discussion or debate with one of my guests. This is where the random nature comes in!

Now…. I have to figure out the menu. Pizza, anyone?

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/seat-guru/

Goodbye Anxiety Monster

People say having *some* anxiety is good. But there are many of us out there who simply have too much anxiety, leading everything that we do to produce this “fight-or-flight” response.

I’ve been told again and again that my brain is tricking me into these crazy, irrational thoughts. And yet, I still believe those thoughts. Again and again it’s because I have an irrational fear of a certain outcome that might happen in a hypothetical situation. But 99% of the time, it doesn’t happen.

Thankfully, through weekly sessions, I’ve been working hard on practicing this with each social encounter and with everything that I do…it’s getting easier, but wow, would it be nice.

No feeling of fear? What a perfect world I would live in…

Rather than living in my fantasy world, I’d be living in reality. I’d “enjoy my life” and explore the possibilities around me, because the possibilities for me would truly be endless. My idea of being “normal” in being able to communicate with all professors/bosses/family members? That would come true.

For some people, not feeling fear would mean having fun and jumping off a cliff or out of a plane. For me, not feeling fear would mean being able to live life like the rest of the population. The rest of the population can ask a question when necessary and speak their minds.

Sure, being able to wrestle with a bear or jump out of a plane would be fun. But without the feeling of fear, I envision myself doing what everyone takes for granted.

Communicating.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/fearless-fantasies/

Jumping off a Cliff

My mind feels like it’s gonna jump off a cliff soon.

I honestly don’t know what that means, either. I think what I mean by that phrase is that I feel like I’m gonna go crazy any minute. Crazy with the stress and anxiety of everything combined together.

Part of the reason is because that time of the month is coming soon…and garsh, there are months I wish that a Y chromosome had floated into mom’s womb instead of a second X chromosome. (sorry, was that TMI?)

The second reason is that I’m moving back home. Leaving this beautiful country I’ve called home for the past 2 years, and packing up my life. I’ve less than a week before my flight, and I’m still scrambling–and struggling to sell my prized possessions. It’s a slow (and frustrating!!) process. My initial intention was to finish packing and everything by Friday night.

Well, at the rate things are going, I might be safer with my sanity to just move my flight back a couple days.

But this moving thing is much harder than I really thought it would be.

The struggle is real.

As they say. It’s not just the physical aspect of leaving, but the emotional aspect of it, too. I know, logically, that my lovely brain is trying its hardest to trick me into thinking that I’m gonna die a most painful death, and that I’m not going to be able to handle it, so I might as well curl up into a little ball on my bed and freak out as much as possible….

I know it’s all just a trick…

BUT

I’m too tired to try to convince it otherwise. So, that’s what I’ll do tonight. Curl up into a little ball on my bed and freak out as much as possible…

Sweet dreams, ya’ll…