Perpetuating the stigma of mental illness with my own self-judgments

Will this be the “functional limitation” that keeps me from continuing or finishing with a PhD? Is it all really too much for me at this point? Is it really worth all the struggle and pain?

I’m not sure. I’m really not sure.

When I started grad school, nobody warned me that it would be this difficult. I got through years 1 and 2– taking classes, doing decently well in my classes, and doing what I had done best throughout my entire schooling career. Avoiding my professors/instructors like the plague.

Nobody warned me that in order to succeed in grad school, moreso than your academic competency or ability, is having the ability to communicate with professors on a near-daily basis. This very limitation has been a struggle for me since Year 1 of grad school. Communicating, emailing, making appointments with, going to office hours, asking endless questions, checking in, and so on and so forth.

Meeting with professors and managing committees (etc) is difficult for anyone in grad school to do. Let alone someone who struggles with social anxiety disorder. I try not to let social anxiety define me or my academic career, and at times, when I’m symptomless/or experience milder symptoms of anxiety, I will even forget or doubt that I even have social anxiety at all.

However, it’s times like recently (with ultimatums and deadlines being reinforced) that I wonder whether therapy itself is truly enough. Sure, I’ve definitely made progress in the past few years while in therapy. I mean… gosh… this time last year, it would’ve taken me a week or two to send out an email to a specific faculty member. Now, it takes me on average 24-48 hours. If you ask me, that’s significant progress. But when we consider deadlines, and all the communication that I have YET to do (reaching out to different people/sending out emails/making phone calls, etc) I realize how far from “normal” and how much of a limitation I truly have.

So I think…Maybe I should consider medication? And then the next obvious question is: what type? SSRI’s? Anti-anxiety meds? Both? Neither? And how effective would medication be in my particular circumstance? Would it help me to be able to send out all those emails and to set up all those meetings that I need to set up? Or would those same thoughts still circle around in my mind?

A couple times, another alternative has popped up in conversation: registering with our campus’ student disability center. As a TA/instructor I’ve also seen many students who have accommodations letters, regardless of what disability or functional limitation they may have. As an instructor, I really don’t care, and I’m happy to provide that accommodation for them. However, flipped around, the very thought about going to the disability center and registering or even (potentially) asking for accommodations for a “psychological disability” seems so far out of the question for me. I even judge myself: Is my mental health issue really severe enough to be granted accommodations? Is this “cheating”? But perhaps with longer time (or not being given ultimatums by my department??) my productivity [and confidence to do well] would improve. I’d feel more empowered to finish with my degree rather than feel that I’m incapable and I’ve always been incapable in school due to my anxiety.

But today, if I had a physical limitation (Ex: I broke my leg/arm) and needed an accommodation in the classroom to help me teach, I’d be going to the disability center in a heartbeat.

I would like to think that I’m very capable of finishing my degree (plus a few conference presentations/publications to boot!), getting out, and finding a job in academia. But at the rate even I continue to perpetuate the stigma of struggling with mental health issues with my own self-judgments, I’m not sure. I’m really not sure.